I was naturally excited when I read the latest about age-graded running results. Obviously, I just needed to look up some of my recent results on an age-grading table, and the times would be revealed to be every bit as competitive as I was in high school or college. By taking into account the half-century (less five days) that I've spent on this planet I would be credited with the glory that my sweat in local 5K races had surely entitled me to.But I was disappointed. The age-graded adjustments given to men of my age weren't very significant. Age grading might move me ahead of a couple of 25-year olds that had outkicked me recently, but that was about it. I had missed out on the generous adjustment I would have gotten as an eight-year-old, but I saw that I could look forward to similar advantage at age 90. I also noticed that I could do especially well on the tables if, say, Athletics South Africa were to declare that I was a woman. After all, it had worked for Caster Semenya. On the other hand, a lot of real women run faster than I do, as do more than a few men ten years older than I am. Age grading didn't seem to be the key to proving my worth on the roads.
In addition to being thirty years older than when I was trying to crack 29 minutes in the 10K, I'm also a little more massive--say about 20 kilograms worth. Was there such thing as weight grading? What would weight grading say about my current performances? Well, you can find anything on the internet, and I discoverd that Dr. Wilhelm Schweinfleisch of the Porque Institute was not only working on this very problem, but was also traveling through Tallahassee on his way to a conference. I contacted Dr. Schweinfleisch and he agreed to meet me at my offices at Burger King. The doctor smiled pityingly as I ordered a Small combo; he then stepped up and asked for a triple Whopper with cheese value meal.
"Small, medium, or large?" asked the woman at the register.
"Enormous," said Dr. Schweinfleisch.
"So, Dr. Schweinfleisch..." I began.
"Please, call me Willi," insisted the doctor, shoveling fries into his mouth.
"Willi, then. What can you tell me about weight grading of athletic performances?"
Schweinfleisch laughed, spraying fragments of char-broiled beef. "Weight is not a relevant enough measure. A six-foot-four man of 200 pounds is not carrying the same amount of excess weight as a five-foot-eight man also of 200 pounds. You must use the Body Mass Index."
"And you have a handicapping table for Body Mass Index grading?"
"One of my tables is for that, yes," said Dr. Schweinfleisch, taking a pull on his chocolate shake. "I also have a table for handicapping based on LDL cholesterol levels. I'm working on an arthritis-grading system, but it is very difficult to quantify joint damage. It's the same problem I had with my ADHD-grading tables, and it may delay publication."
"Where do you think you'll publish your work?"
"Look for it in Runner's World."
Dr. Schweinfleisch noticed that it was time to leave to catch his flight, so he grabbed a few slices of pie for his drive to the airport and said goodbye. Be on the lookout for his article, though. It's sure to revolutionize athletic competition.
Links:
- Bill McGuire's more serious discussion of age grading
http://www.gulfwinds.org/Columnists/McGuire,%20Bill/Age%20Grading%202010.htm - More nonsense: Turkey Trot adds to the Thanksgiving running menu
http://troubleafoot.blogspot.com/2010/04/menu-additions.html
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